Dating, Drugs
And Alcohol
by: Alan Yarbrough, Ed. D.
Dear Daughter,
I love you so much. I wish
that I could always protect you from all
dangers, but I know that I can’t. You are
growing up and you will have to face dangers
and make some decisions on your own.
However, I am always here and I can always
be a pretty good coach. Please talk to me
anytime about any problem you may have, even
if you have messed up. I have messed up a
few times myself.
I was thinking about my last
letter on dating. I would like to continue
those thoughts. As I think about the
potential dangers to avoid, drugs and
alcohol are at the top of the list.
The moment you learn that a
boyfriend is using any type of illegal drug,
begin choosing the location for the break
up. Never let the relationship continue
thinking that he will give up the drugs for
you. I know this sounds cruel, but it is
true. People who are using drugs will look
you in the eye and convincingly lie about
the drug use. The drug use actually alters
their personality. They will lie and do
things that they wouldn’t normally do.
When you break up with
someone over drug use, it’s a little
different situation. As described before,
choose a semi-private but public location,
such as a restaurant. Take your own
transportation and enough one dollar bills
to pay for whatever you order, if you are
meeting in a restaurant.
Get straight to the issue.
If you like him, tell him so. If he has some
good points, compliment him. Then tell him
that you cannot continue dating him because
he uses drugs. Tell him that this is
something you decided long ago and that you
are sticking to it. If it is true, tell him
that you still consider him to be a friend,
but you will not date him.
He will try to minimize the
drug use. He may say that he doesn’t use
drugs that often, and that it’s no big deal,
everyone does it. He may say that he can
quit anytime he wants to quit. He may try to
make you feel guilty for treating him so
badly. Don’t believe any of this. Tell him
that only he can decide what he wants to do,
you wish him the best and that you hope, for
his sake, he does decide to give up the
drugs. Get up and leave.
In about a week or so he may
call to tell you that he is off all drugs
and doing great. Congratulate him and tell
him that you will not consider dating him
until he has been drug free for at least a
year. He will then try to make you feel bad
for being so unreasonable. He may even try
to make you feel guilty for not helping him
stay off drugs by continuing the
relationship. Without you he may start using
drugs again. Don’t buy any of this. Tell him
that it is up to him to quit the drugs, not
you. You are not responsible for his
behavior. By the way, if you are thinking
that everyone does some drugs so there is no
one left to date, you are hanging around the
wrong people.
While we are on the subject,
do we need to talk about drug use? I don’t
think that we do, but if we do, please,
please, let’s talk. You need to know that
there is a lot of false information out
there, most of which comes from the people
who are using the drugs. They make it sound
really good. It’s not. I have seen many
people lose their family, friends, their
productive lifestyle, and sometimes their
life, because the drug became number one in
their life.
Do you know what upsets me
the most? Not a single one of those people
set out to destroy their life. I am certain
that if these people had known what
destruction lay ahead, they would have never
taken that first drug that seemed so
harmless. In reality, the most dangerous
illegal drug is the first one taken. It
seems so harmless in the beginning.
In spite of the seriousness
of drug use there is a simple solution;
simply don’t do it. Don’t take that first
drug. No matter how harmless it may seem or
how good other people make it sound, don’t
do it. Make that decision now, before you
find yourself faced with “friends” who are
encouraging you to “just try it.” Make the
decision now so that you will not have to
decide when under pressure. There comes a
time when you have to make some decisions
about yourself. Make good decisions.
By the way, what would you
do if you were with a group of friends and
suddenly alcohol or an illegal drug turns
up? You may be thinking “Don’t take it.”
That’s a good answer, but you must do more
in this situation. You must leave the group
immediately. If the individual with the
drugs or alcohol is caught and arrested, the
whole group will be arrested. It is
important that you choose wisely when it
comes to friends. I will have more to say
about this in a future letter.
Let me also mention a few
things about alcohol. Alcohol is probably
the most dangerous drug available in terms
of destruction to individuals and families.
The reason it is so destructive is because
it is legal, socially accepted and readily
available.
For those who have trouble
with alcohol, the onset of problems is slow
and not even noticeable to the victim.
Victims of both drug and alcohol dependence
often have their world falling apart all
around them, and they are in total denial of
the problem and the consequences.
You are under age. It is
illegal for you to drink alcohol. This makes
my advice simple for now. Don’t do it. It’s
that simple. No doubt you will find yourself
at a party and there will be alcohol
present. Don’t do it, leave immediately.
It’s illegal and you could be arrested.
When you become an adult and
are living on your own, you will have to
decide what you will do about alcohol. Some
people can drink socially and never have a
problem with alcohol abuse or dependence.
Other people begin with social drinking and
the use slowly increases until it becomes
abuse with the entire range of social, and
eventually, physical problems. Which group
are you in? I don’t know either.
I want you to know that
there is a danger involved. To avoid the
danger, the best thing to do is choose to
not drink alcohol. This is the safest route
and the one that I recommend to you.
As far as dating someone who
is using alcohol, it is similar to the drug
issue. You are under age. If your date
brings alcohol around you, he is putting you
in danger. You could be arrested. He is
being irresponsible and this is your cue to
plan the break up. What if he is older and
is of legal age to use alcohol? It doesn’t
matter. He is still endangering you. Plan
the break up.
What will you do later on,
when you are of legal age to drink alcohol,
and your boyfriend drinks alcohol? This is
not a black and white situation. If you have
chosen the safe route and you do not drink
alcohol, you may have decided that you will
only date people who, like you, do not drink
alcohol. If so, this simplifies things.
On the other hand, if you
wish to continue dating the person, there
may or may not be danger. As discussed
earlier, some people have trouble with
alcohol and some don’t. If the relationship
becomes serious, discuss your concerns with
him. If you have a good relationship, an
in-depth discussion should not be a problem.
Remember that you always have access to
professional drug and alcohol counselors who
can help you evaluate your situation. Be
sure you are comfortable with the situation
up front rather than after the marriage.
